I haven't updated this journal in absolutely ages! I have had so much stuff going on and not all of it pleasant in the months I've not been on here. So I guess it's time to get up to speed with what's been happening.

First of all is a problem that's been ongoing since the summer, around June. There's this guy in college who stalks me. He's someone I ran into on occasion because we had the same self-study slot at the skills centre for the whole year until college broke up for the summer (basically my whole first year and the first part of my second year as QMC students start their A2s early) and we chatted idly sometimes and it was nothing more than polite/friendly conversation. My two guy college friends that I'd met in my tutor group (they're still my mates now) said there was something strange about him and warned me to be careful; I took their advice but didn't quite believe weird part. That's my trouble - I tend to take people as they are sometimes if it seems they're not overtly nasty, not thinking about the possibility they actually could be underneath. Then said weird part emerged.

He started invading my personal space, lying in wait for me in corridors, following me around and trying to talk to me when it wasn't convenient. But something happened that creeped me out way more. I was making my way to the toilet at the time; I had decided to try and get the message across that I wasn't interested in talking to him anymore by acting distant and ignoring him and I did so on this particular occasion, walking past him when he did that stupid, weird wave and smarmy smile of his and said hello. He went quiet and I thought I had got through to him but how wrong I was. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him start coming toward me. I was halfway to the girls toilet door at that point and realised that he was going to follow me INSIDE! As you can imagine, I was really freaked out and bolted straight through the door. I was extremely glad to find he had gone afterwards although I waited five minutes or so just to make sure.

The summer holidays started after that so I didn't get a chance to report it. Plus it was six whole weeks of not worrying about him approaching me again. However, he tried to do that when I collected my AS results but Mum saw how nervous I was and we left. When college started again I acted the same way I had done before in the summer, getting nervous even scared when he approached me and my friends helped by dropping hints that he was weirding me out and should leave me alone, especially after hearing that he fancied me and was planning to ask me out. Ugh! How gross. It makes me shiver just typing this.    

But he did not take the hint although he mst have noticed how I was because he approached a friend and I when we were Duelling (playing the Yugioh TCG) in the language block at lunch last week and asked to talk to me (perhaps to ask me out). I decided enough was enough and told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and to leave me alone. He kept asking why and I snapped at him: "I don't owe you an explanation. Just go away!" He left in a huff and turned the lights off so we couldn't read our cards.

I wasn't sure if he got the message and he hadn't because he confronted me again some days later when I accompanied my friend to get his lunch at the shop in the college (he followed us all the way there and sat down opposite the stall with his mate beside him); the mate, a girl I sometimes I talk to, went up and stood behind me and I thought, it's fine she's just getting her lunch like my friend. But I was wrong. He followed soon after and asked, "Can I talk to you?" I didn't even look at him and told him sharply and bluntly, "Stay away from me!" and he and his mate went and sat down again. My friend and I could feel them staring at us all the time when we went outside. How conniving and low was that? His mate willingly became his decoy so he could confront me! It was obvious that was deliberate. There's no way I'm talking to her again either. My friend told me after that he'd kill him if he came near me with him around. I'm so glad I have people like him to help me through this!

I narrowly avoided yet another confrontation with him (I was alone) at the end of lunchtime today outside - you guessed it! - the girls toilets. I saw that he was in front of me and hung back to let him get ahead. Once he was a few feet away, I headed toward the door. He must have seen me because he turned back and walked toward me. Terrified that he would do the same thing that he did back in the summer, I ran straight through and slammed the door shut behind me. I waited some time like I did back then until he was gone and went to the next lesson. A close shave but I managed to get away with it! I have told my tutor about this and she's going to talk to his teacher; she's told me to report the next time he approaches me and to keep telling him to back off and stay away. Hopefully this will sort it out.      

On to the second issue I have. I have been learning to drive off road with my dad doing the teaching since I was sixteen and I recently got my provisional licence along with some L-plates to go on the car. Compare this to what one of my close childhood friends has done and I'm pathetic in comparison (or so Mum implied last week); she has passed both her theory and driving tests and is now driving around as she pleases, going off to rock concerts and the like with her mates. Mum's words were along the lines of, “She passed her test recently and that's because SHE'S done LOTS of practice.” How nasty and cutting is that! She more or less implied that I've deliberately avoided going out and learning with my dad (which I haven't, there just hasn't been the time) and that I should have passed my test by now or learned to drive as quickly as my friend has. Needless to say, I was hurt.

How dare she, after all that stuff she said about me not worrying how long it took to learn! I still get cross thinking about it; she hasn't apologised either. I guess I should have learned by now not to trust her to make promises and assurances. They're just empty, useless words. Nothing more. I hate how she goes back on stuff she says. Well...screw her and her double standards. I'm going to learn MY way!   

This harks back to her "the eldest child should set the example" shit that she always banging on about; in her view, because I'm the oldest of her children, I should be doing things right first time and getting them done quickly so the others feel they should do the same. She expects too much of me...and she wonders why I'm so hard on myself! I expressed my views on this with her today but she denied being like that and said I was wrong. It's HER who's wrong! She shouldn't expect just because she was once pressured to set the example being an eldest child herself, that I should do what she did. I told her that I don't believe in that crap and that my other younger siblings should find and learn their own way. All this bullshit about the eldest having to be the best and the younger ones following in their footsteps/being in their shadow until they surpass them is fucked up and damn right stupid. It does nothing but cause unnecessary pressure, jealousy and unrest between brothers and sisters and there's no way I'm going to support it, not even if I have my own kids. I'm going to get more of this as my birthday gets closer, I just know it.    

Now, one final problem -  this happened this afternoon. I have only just started to drive on actual roads (although these have been quiet and fairly empty for the most part) and Dad took me out again today. Things happened as they usually did; I was nervous and scared when I got into the driver's seat but felt a little more relaxed and comfortable once I started driving. It was kind of okay until I got to a small roundabout in the local business park and stalled. I tried starting up the engine again but noticed the car behind me and stalled a second time.

Meanwhile, the cars behind built up until there were about five or six, perhaps even more, waiting for me to go. Feeling that it was my fault I was holding everyone up and scared about rolling into something, I failed to start the car on every attempt I made. On what seemed the umpteenth time I managed to start the engine briefly but the car jerked forward, frightening me, and cut out once more because I didn't get it into gear. My dad had been shouting at me at this point to do so and kept on afterward as I tried in vain to do what he asked. In the end, he told me to get out and drove it himself. I had burst into tears, cross at myself for failing him and for keeping the other drivers waiting (damn, I HATE doing that in front of my family, especially my parents. I'm regretting it even now as I type this journal – I wish I had not cried).          

He asked why I was upset and if it was because he had shouted at me. I said it wasn't (although it IS partly why I was in tears) and explained that I was worried the drivers would get frustrated or that I would wind up crashing into something resulting in damage to ourselves or another person. He told me that it was okay as the drivers had not been impatient or annoyed and not to worry too much about crashing, saying he had only shouted because I didn't what he asked. Hmm, I wonder why I didn't? It was because I COULDN'T! Not with all those cars there, the pressure to get moving quickly so as not to block the lane too long and ESPECIALLY  him yelling in my ear. He promised he would be patient and understanding. Yeah right. As if I'm going to expect him to be like that from now on! He went back on his word and I'm not going to trust him when we next go out. Yet another promise he has broken. Not like I'm surprised.           

           
It seems things are really screwed up atm at college and at home but at least the problems at QMC are going to get sorted eventually. As for what happened today and last week at home in terms of how my parents have acting, I don't know. I'll just have to wait and see, I guess.